You ever feel like you've been so wrong about something that you must have been wrong about everything? Even if it wasn't your fault in thinking that way, that you felt as well as others felt that you were right, but over and over again it seems like you're not?

If you think that I'm wonderful, an inspirational leader, someone who just has life in the bag, I want you to understand that I go through this and am going through this. I don't know who I am just as much as you. Maybe even more so (or less depending on how you think of it).

Sometimes, I feel like I'm the very scum of this world, spreading messages that I am only hypocritical to, or messages that aren't actually the best ones even though my intentions were good. Sometimes, I feel like I do nothing but hurt the people around me, especially the ones closest. Sometimes, I feel like I'm really just a bother to everyone and they are unknowingly being dragged down by associating themselves with me.

These are all my thoughts and insecurities piled in to a paragraph. And this crap part of it is, the things in my life don't prove them wrong. I don't go out anymore, I try to be the best that I can be and only limit myself to a very select number of very few people to be close to. But even still, I can see myself abusing them, hurting them, and because of it, see that I'm only dragging them down.

I'm trying my very best.
But sometimes, I really truly feel like my best was never good enough...

that maybe its only made things worse.

Dear Chelsea:

You started off intimidated by me, you, a veteran dancer of 16 years, intimidated by a second-rate freestyling hip-hop dancer of four. Funny girl you. You only broke the barrier at NFLC because of a mutual friend you were creeped out by. You went from intimidated to estimating the shortness of my manliness in 2.3 seconds. Then to the lack thereof in another 1.2. That's how we started getting to know each other. Great story.

Then throughout the beginning of the year we stomached getting up and arriving at the high school at six every morning. Six o'freaking clock. Both of us with our bed faces and bedhead still on, sweatpants dragging, we'd start up the ancient 135 year old espresso cart taking inventory, getting milk in to the fridge, getting the money. We did that for a couple of months as we got to know each other and began realizing that we shared the same ferocious [lol] passion for dance. You realized what only a few people know about me from our high school, my aspirations, the things that drove me, the things that kept me waking up, in that first month. And still, only a select few know the real me, the real Ulyber with his real insecurities.

You taught me things that I didn't know I could learn, things I needed to know but didn't have a starting place to learn them. You taught me how to dance.

Before then I had never really learned combinations or choreography, I didn't know what a stupid plié was or the difference between contemporary and modern. You were the one that eventually got me in to Betty's godforsaken Jazz II class and the Company. And you were the one that gave me the confidence in knowing that my aspirations weren't just dreams but tangible goals that I really could reach. Shit, you even let me take your speakers.

I'm graduating in less than 4 days now and I thought that it was about time that I thank you for everything that you've done. I'm really not the sentimental type that likes to be gushy about things like this, but I want you to know that you really have no idea how much I appreciate these things... even just being my friend. I still read that post you posted on my birthday. Friends are hard to come by for me around here, but you made up for it.

Thank you for making my senior year wonderful.

I know an 8GB iPod is nothing compared to your massive library, and I know it really doesn't come close to how much I really do appreciate everything, but it's all I got. Hopefully that's a good enough thank you for now.

We'll keep in touch. :D <3

Dear Krystle:

Hey there Sugerbooger. How are you? I hope you're doing good. :] I'm not sure how much you check up on blogspot so I'll probably send you a text right before I get to Raymond for you to check. It's currently 8:23 and you fell asleep on the phone while I was talking to you. It made me smile. I was just talking and you were quiet. I shut up and got out of my car quietly to start packing (what I'm actually supposed to be doing right now), went in to my room, and listened to your soft rhythmic breathing on the phone. I know tonight will suck if I won't be able to get signal, but I hope you know that however much you're missing me, right now even, I feel the exact same...maybe even stronger. 

It really is the little things you do. Waking up with you, especially this morning, and singing songs ranging from Soviet Union propaganda to Whitney freakin' Houston. Hearing your different giggles and laughs, and you repeatedly "Mwah"-ing me on the phone. Staying up until 2 in the morning and spending half an hour trying to wake me up by repeating my name over and over again, or creating little "pushers" to get me out of bed, like saying you updated your blogspot and I should go check it, or just telling me you love me and if I love you back I should get in the shower or I'll be late.

I truly have never felt this way before. It feels. Magical. Like Disneyland. :] Too bad Disney isn't the happiest place in the world...

unless you're at Disney. ;] 

Had to throw in something cheesy before I sign off. :D I got half an hour to pack. I love you babe. So much. Don't !@$!ing forget it. Okay? Mwah. :]


<3 
HoneyBunny. 

UPDATE! 
8:51. Had to update the playlist a little bit. Hope you like it. You're stirring on the phone. Gotta go say I love you on the phone and tell you to go back to sleep. I LOVEYOU OUEO WYEOAWYF OYEOFPIAY IUEFOAWIUJEFL;KDNBVJSL

weh~!

RE-UPDATE!
To make you lol. :} 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MQ78IlJs5JQ&feature=related